you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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