in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
