Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
