Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
