I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
