i will never coherently bang her
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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