it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
