i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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