dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
