I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
