Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
