You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
