the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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