I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
