i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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