I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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