This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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