hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
