There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just cut my nipple shaving
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
