I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
