On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
