2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
