New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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