yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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