onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
