Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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