How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
