just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
