I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
