My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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