How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
