I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
