the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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