so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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