so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
