I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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