ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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