Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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