im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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