Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
