So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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