Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
