You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
