u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
we should paint friendship bongs
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