i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
