She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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