My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
