Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
