Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
