I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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