A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
