Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
