Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
