i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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