My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
