No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
