Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
