She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
