I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
